just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
