When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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