i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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