Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
