god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
