Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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