Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
