Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
