Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
