Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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