How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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