I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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