You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Randomize
