i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
