I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
