Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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