just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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