No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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