The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
