life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize