I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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