you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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