Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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