Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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