im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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