I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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