I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
