We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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