I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
