he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I smell stomach acid.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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