for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Randomize
