so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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