Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
