I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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