you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
