the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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