Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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