Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
