Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
