It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
