i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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