you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
