I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
