I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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