Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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