i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
