i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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