how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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