my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
