Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize