bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
