Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
