Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My vagina is officially offended.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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