Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
two words...techno handjob
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
