I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize