walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
only you would photoshop your dick
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
