awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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