Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
the liver wants what the liver wants
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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