it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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