shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
