I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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