How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
no you cant smoke seaweed
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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