She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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