Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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