At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
