Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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