You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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