I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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