when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
