I wish I could punch you in the face.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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