I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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