you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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