cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
