Welp...herpes.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
