I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
