You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
